Animal Crossing Pimpin'

Curse You Francine!

Another trap was set for me right at my front door. I egged the fuck out of Francine's house last night.

Chillin' out

I don't know what it is about winter that makes me feel so light and free. Is it the crunching of snow underfoot as I flee from an incoming snowball? The tingling from a delicate snowflake settling on my nose? A mild delirium caused by a drop in my core body temperature? Well, whatever it is, winter here in Cooltown has given me the same compulsion to forge snowmen by day and curl up by the fireplace with hot chocolate and a marshmallow by night as it did back in my old home. Still, something's a little different this time, something I can't quite put my finger on. Perhaps it's all the self-loathing the snowmen here express when they're not quite 'in proportion' (I really should build them with a concept of 'inner-beauty') as opposed to nothing at all.
Anyway, since moving here I've taken to erecting (teehee) snowmen all around town, each more horribly disfigured than the last, bringing down the mood of Cooltown as no animal can leave the house now without being lectured about the injustices in life. Well, we didn't hear anything from this guy but I think that may be just because his tiny little voice can't carry up to our ears. I'm sure that if we set up a microphone in front of him, we'd hear things more depressing than anything we've ever heard....ever. And just when I thought it was impossible to create a snowman who was actually even slightly happy with himself, that's when I met him - the most beautiful, perfectly proportioned snowman I'd ever laid eyes on. I suddenly realised why all the other snowmen were so down; it was because they looked nothing like this. And frankly, I was starting to feel the sting of jealousy too. I'd created a monster; a devilishly handsome one at that. I was its god, and those with the power to create life also have the power to take it away - in fact, just about anything can take away life, even things that aren't alive, like a big rock. I owe it to all these ugly snowmen I created to destroy the being that's causing them such misery so that they may live peacefully once again. But then something happened that made me feel for the handsome snowman: he offered me a snowman TV as a tribute. I'd never been given a present by a creation of mine before, so I decided to not kill the handsome snowman but instead wipe the ugly ones off the handsome face of Cooltown. That's what gods are supposed to do anyway, right? Or is that natural selection? I can't remember...
Also, as a bit of revenge for always waking up in the wee hours of the morn and digging up all the fossils, I thought I'd leave Angus a bit of a surprise on his doorstep.


Have a nice trip Angus!

The darker side of Cooltown

It's been a few days since I moved to Cooltown, but after a little shakey start, I've finally settled in enough to set my plan in motion. Frankly, I think I'm lucky to have survived this long, what with Boomer here and everything. On my second day here he offered to buy my red snapper (worth 3,000 bells) for 750 bells, which, not being a total moron, I declined. All of a sudden he gets all indignant and tells me to "BUZZ OFF", prompting me to take advantage of the town's 'complaints' department. Somehow, based on what I saw when I left my house later, I think he knew I was the one who complained...
At first I didn't think much of it, sure, I was a little freaked, but who wouldn't be if a penguin was lurking outside their house with a spade? I was sure he wouldn't do anything to me though, that is, until I found this dumped in the town hall trash receptacle:
I think I'll sell Boomer that red snapper after all.
Also, whenever I happen to overhear two animals immersed in conversation, that's when they always seem to reveal their darker side - almost as if they don't trust me enough yet to confide in me their past, present and future crimes.This photo is irrefutable proof of an underground porno ring right here in Cooltown.
I don't know about you, but I think Booker and Copper should worry a little less about what's entering the town, and worry a little more about what's already entered the town. I'm not quite sure this town is really ideal to carry out my plan, but then again, once I've earned the animals' trust, it may be more perfect than I ever dared dream.

Unhappy Birthday

This annonymous message on the town noticeboard was ALL THE BIRTHDAY STUFF I GOT FROM THESE UNGRATEFUL BASTARDS. The sign clearly says "Let's all congratulate Angus on another great year!" and what did they all do? Ignore me. Several animals even had the balls to ask whether I'd seen my brother.
Just the kind of thing to cheer me up after getting no presents, cards or recognition of any sort regarding my special day. I Find it very hurtful, especially after that prank the animals pulled on me the day I moved in. To take my mind off things I went into the underground bar for a drink and to listen to the soothing melodies of K.K.Slider; a regular musician in these parts. You'll never guess what he said to me. He actually acknowledged my birthday and played me a song. He dedicated it to me. I was super happy. How the hell did he know? I've never met him before and he's only in town 4 hours a week. Did the other animals discuss my birthday thoroughly and then just choose to universally ignore it? Conspiring Freaks. It's probably 'coz I'm not "from around here." You probably have to grow up in this hole before people start to care about you.

Anyway after getting over it I visited Boomer. He was also new in town and so I felt I could share with him my feelings of isolation and resentment. I felt I could trust Boomer and it seems that the feeling was mutual because he decided to immediately entrust his strange feelings of sexual tension with me. I have to say I wasn't ready for that one. I got outta there pretty quick, I was affraid he might have more secrets and if they weren't about me and my birthday I didn't wanna know. You'd think that my birthday was at it's worst, but then I got chased by bees who went crazy on my face. The animals were quite insensitive about it too. Jerks.

Callum hits Cooltown

Well, what can I say? Here I am, freezing my arse off on the stone floor of my new home, chin propped up on a box, straining the hell out of my eyes as I describe to you my situation by the dim lamplight thoughtfully donated by Cooltown’s local shopkeep, Tom Nook. For all intents and purposes, this town seems to have everything I need. It isn’t much, but the 100 metre cliffs surrounding the town give it just the right degree of seclusion that I’ve been searching for. No one would find me here, I could finally start anew. But if my first day taught me anything, it was that what I was in for was far from what I expected. After having suffered through a long and tedious conversation with a cat(?) who reeked of social retardation from his incessant, tactless questioning right down to his red diamond-printed shirt (which like totally went out of season last fall, along with cargo shorts with sandals and carefully parted hair), I stepped off the bus and listened with satisfaction at crushing thousands of flakes of dazzling white snow resting delicately underfoot. It was then that I was approached by the big cheese of Cooltown, a raccoon in an apron by the name of Tom Nook. Somehow, from that meeting, I found myself bullied into purchasing a tucked away little house with beautiful ocean views, and working part-time at Nook’s Cranny in order to pay off said house. It was the easiest job I’ve ever worked, also the most short-lived, as Tom Nook suddenly no longer required my skills after only a few assignments. I don’t see why: I thought my house looked lovely after planting all the flowers he gave me, and the ad certainly attracted more customers.
Out on my own, I was forced into scouring the town for cherries and shells in order to pay off the remaining few thousand bells (the local currency…I’m just as confused as you are) still owing on my house, also taking this opportunity to meet the local fauna and physically abuse the local flora. They seem nice enough, but when they think that no one’s watching, they tend to just stand there, not blinking, only occasionally pacing a small area aimlessly – I think I’ll stick to bottled water. As I explored the town, I noticed that every building faced the same way – perhaps modelled off some kind of belief system here wherein they must keep every action in plain view of an omnipotent god, but it could just be little ol’ me reading too much into everything.
By nightfall, I was completely worn out from shaking the life out of every tree in town, and I was caught reading a letter that Kiki had received from her ‘secret admirer’. Suddenly, there it was. The Aurora Borealis. We stood there, frozen. The only thing that broke the awed silence was each captivated breath rising up to the expanse of wavy colours. Nothing that had happened that day mattered any more, and every aching muscle seemed to melt and trickle down the cool earth to the flowing river. There we were, Kiki and I, captured in a moment by a veil of colour, underneath a starry sky. And here I am now. I finally collected about 8,000 bells worth of cherries and shells and am debt free, for now – he’s expanding my house tonight. I wonder what he does with all those cherries and shells. Does he have a warehouse full of them? Or am I going to wake up tomorrow morning and find that my expanded house is using them as insulation? And while I'm at it, how is he going to get into my house to extend it? Does he have a store room with everyone's keys in town? Or is he going to kick the door down? I’m just going to have to curl up on my icy stone floor, cry myself to sleep, and wait for the morning to tell me.

The First Day

How much longer?

I'd long since lost track of the time, and I could feel every jolt of the uneven road shoot up my tail-bone. I gazed through the frosty glass of the bus window, counting snowflakes - trying to ignore the incessent mewling of the cat beside me.
I wish he'd shut up.
I'd forgotten his name, even though he'd told me not five minutes ago. I also couldn't remember where he was born, what his childhood was like, what he did for a living, why he'd moved, why he was on the bus, why he started talking to me. He probably even told me why he was wearing a dark red shirt with black diamonds on it. He spoke too quickly and never blinked, never broke eye-contact: it was unnerving.
I didn't offer him much. He struck me as the sort of animal that considered you a friend if you didn't leave whilst he was talking about himself. How dearly I wanted to. Every word of his blended and congealed into a horrific droning noise and every damn snowflake looked the same.
Finally the bus slowed - my stop. I smiled and shook the cat's paw warmly. Promised I'd meet up with him for lunch or something whenever he's in town, and write him letters whenever he's not. Promised to not abandon him like so many people probably have done already, although of course I didn't say it quite like that. I was a little mystified as to how someone so warm and so honest could be so completely unlikeable.
I hope he gets cancer.
I stepped off the bus and strode towards the picturesque little town I was about to become a part of.